Giant Toffee Crisp!

More Snares Killing Foxes

Fox deaths caused by snares are on a rapid increase, with the death count doubling every 3 months. More and more foxes are being told to stay alert, pay more attention when they are roaming around, and to avoid gigs and concerts altogether.

"It's clear that snares are responsible for a massive amount of fox deaths" says RSPCA's Toby Spence, "yet there is an increasing amount of foxes going to concerts, late at night and often without permission from their parents, and eventually and inevitably getting hit and killed by a snare. Sometimes other drums are launched into the crowd, usually cymbals, but the snare seems to be most common and also most lethal to foxes."

"Our warning to every fox is to avoid concerts completely. And if you must go, then take precautions; these include safety gear such as a hard hat and safety goggles. As well as dressing appropriately, we advise foxes to avoid the first few rows of the crowd and to enjoy the music from the back of the hall where it is more safe."

But Dave Goods from Spacegroup doesn't think these precautions are enough, stating "avoiding concerts isn't enough - the majority of fox deaths are clearly from foxes who attend drumming lessons and practise in bands. We simply advise foxes to avoid snares completely."

Spacegroup are currently working towards relocating and rehabilitating foxes on Pluto where there are currently no snares to endanger them. Well there is one blatant giant snare but foxes will most likely be advised to avoid that.

Fake News Clogs The Internet

According to independant research there are now more fake news websites than ever filling the internet. While around 6% of news sources on the internet are "true", the majority contain news that is made up from scratch. Some contain news that isn't new, for instance I turned on the TV the other day and they were talking about young Maddie and I couldn't help but think to myself, "surely this isn't news?" and "this happened ages ago didn't it?".

The moral issues surrounding false news is debatable, as some argue that any news isn't really worth our attention, and that news is for suckers, while others argue that there is no clear line between misinformation and made up information, and that false news is as good as any. You say potato, I say potato, which one is the news?

"You simply can't make up a fact" said Alan Johnson of Peepshow Enterprises. "A fact is a fact because it's true. News has to be fact otherwise it's silly. So if you make up a fact then you're making up the news. And if you make up the news you're bad. You can't make up the news. It's supposed to be true. People are supposed to believe it. You can't make things up for people to believe".

One unnamed man is planning to take the BBC to court claiming that around 10pm last Saturday (17th) he didn't believe their news.

"I was watching their news on telly at around 10pm on Saturday and I simply didn't believe what I was watching" he said. "They were talking about some kind of cell stem research. Never heard of it. I think I'll be watching Five News from now on, they really seem to know which news is true."

The BBC have since retaliated at a press conference, announcing: "We think the allegations against us are absolutely crazy. We don't invent the news, THAT man does. We over heard him the other day telling his friends that Tom Jones sold him a carrot. In fact, we think HE's crazy."

The two opponents will come face to face in the ring at the Royal Albert Hall this Saturday (with special guest referee Mills Lane).

Government Discover Free Downloading

The government today have expressed their joy towards the new trend of downloading music for free from the internet, labelling the act as "fun".

Home Secretaty Mary White said; "Downloading music from the internet is a fun way to get music for free. I didn't realise how fast, handy and money saving it could be. There are several different sites to download music from. Limewire is a good one. You download the software and just search for what you want and you get a big list and you just click on the one you want and you're done. I downloaded the "Happy Days" theme tune in about 3, 4 minutes. Amazing!"

Gordon Brown said his governmenet plan to introduce free downloading in schools by 2009. Conservative spokesman Graham Lee called the idea "absurd", saying to press: "It just won't take off. People want schools and hospitals. Who listens to music? I'm sure if anyone does they'd much rather pay money to hear it. I just can't see this having any benefit."

Meanwhile a man from Yorkshire drove his Mitsubishi Shogun over 6 rabbits on his return journey from work, describing the mass murder as "purely a coincidence. Really weird... really really unlucky day."

Man, 47, Killed By Polar Bear

A man from Surrey has been killed after an expedition to the Arctic ended in polar bear tragedy.

The 47 year old man was stabbed to death in a murder that police chiefs have described as "savage".

The polar bear had this to say: "To be fair, that pr*** was in my territory. I mean, imagine if I packed a bag and strolled on down to London town. I'd be f***ing shot, end of story, no question about it someone would shoot me, probably in the head. He needed to stop backpacking over here, and now he has."

A sea lion has been kept in custody overnight for questioning.

The Truth About Valentine's Day

Now that Valentine's weekend is over, we can all wind down and relax. But just before you forget about it for another year, let us remind you a little bit about it. Many people have the wrong ideas about Valentine's Day, many of us have been misinformed since a young age. But what is the truth? What are the facts that we really ought to know? Here's our small list of things you should know:

1. The first St. Valentine wasn't actually called Valentine at all. Valentine, literally meaning "the day of love", was the nickname given to the saint (who was actually a fitness consultant) by his adoptive parents. His real name was Tony Mills.

2. Contrary to what most people believe, Valentine's Day (or Tony Mills' Day) isn't on February 14th, it's actually on the 15th. Over time the date became earlier as women got more impatient for gifts and chocolates.

3. Also contrary to what we believe, St. Valentine's Day isn't legally compulsory. In other words, you are not breaking any British laws by not celebrating Valentine's Day, although it is highly frowned upon in today's society. The police won't take action against you but repeatedly not celebrating the holiday will probably begin to raise suspicions over time. If you prefer to avoid it, why not try sending the odd flowers here and there every few years, that way you can keep the peace and your heart doesn't even have to be involved!

4. Guys, probably the best Valentine's gift you could offer a woman is your beating heart. Studies show that in fact 87% of women prefer receiving their partner's beating heart as a gift, as it represents life, love and passion. Some say there is no greater symbol of love than a pumping heart. Meanwhile, 6% of women preferred to receive chocolate/flowers, 5% like to receive jewelry as a sign of their partners love, and 2% of the female population are satisfied with some heroin and a kebab.

5. The best way to kill St. Valentine is by a stab into the heart. As he is a man who likes to love, stabbing through his heart will immediately stop all the bullshit. Some say this idea was ripped off vampire stories, but in acftual fact St. Valentine's is the only real recorded case of someone who can be killed with a stake to the heart. Most of us, as we know, cannot be killed this way.

Now that everybody is clued up, how will YOU be celebrating next year?

Stay tuned for newer news.

Calculators Cause Dyslexia!

According to latest research from the British Salamander Society, "calcuwaves" released by calculators increase our risk of catching dyslexia by 72%.

Casio calculators reportedly are the worst, coming top against other calculator brands in the dyslexia graphs from B.S.S. I haven't said dyslexia graphs in a long time.

One in Seventeen children and adults are recorded as being paranoid dyslexiacs. Have calculators been to blame all this time?

Dr. Ray Barry from the B.S.S. had this to say:

"We believe calculators should be replaced with the good old abacus. Like the good old days. These calculators really are something to worry about, our tests have shown this, and many parents around the country are already rightfully concerned for their children who use calculators regularly at school. And you see the kids using calculators outside of school all the time these days. I often see youth around the street and sitting on the bus, tapping away at their calculators like it's a life or death calculation! We found that it's the "sin" button that does the most damage. I really hope the government take notice and enforce a calculator ban. What What."

Until that happens, we may have to think for ourselves and decide - do I prefer english or maths?

Fall Out Boy Beefing Again!

Fall Out Boy and Badly Drawn Boy are now beefing - after accusations from the latter that Fall Out Boy copied Badly Drawn Boy when coming up with their name.

Badly Drawn boy, famous for looking homeless and once losing a hat, is very upset, reportedly saying, "They stole my f***ing name. Granted, there's a couple of words different. But it's still three words long and ends in 'boy'."

Fall Out Boy, who have not yet commented on the matter, were arrested shortly before noon today and will appear in court on Saturday.

Jay-Z to become C.E.O. of Iceland Food Ltd.

Yes, it's official, rap star and business entrepeneur Jay-Z aka Shawn Carter is set to take the role of C.E.O. of ICELAND FOOD Ltd. This huge opportunity for Z arose after he and some of his mates stormed into the Iceland offices in London and broke out into freestyle rap, running a total of around 200 bars before the "battle" was interrupted by local police forces. The C.E.O at the time Ron Aslam is said to have commanded the police to leave before giving up his icey throne for Mr. Z, saying, "there is clearly not a better man for this position than Mr. Z. After years of thinking it took hard work, perserverance and sacrifices, now I realise that lots of money, global fans and a heavy lyrical flow is what it really takes to make it in this business. I have no resentment or regrets in handing control of Iceland over to Mr. Z, I'm sure he will take this company to new levels, reaching new audiences of hiphop and frozen food fans alike. I wish him every success".

Jay-Z is expected to double the company's annual turnover within 2 years, and probably release a hot new mixtape by the start of the summer.

Unbelievable Facts of the Hour:

Welcome to the first post of UNBELIEVABLE FACTS OF THE HOURRRR...

took me quite a while to remember how to spell believe. IE? EI? or just plain and simply, Beleeeve?

Anyway... the facts! (SOURCE: Royal British Library of Factual Information)

1. Caterpillars brains contain twice the amount of fibre that can be found in an average coco pop.

NO WAY!!

2. It's scientifically unexplainable, but blackberries can only grow if they are within 10 meters of something that is RED in colour.

THAT ONE CAN'T BE TRUE!!

3. Bruce Lee was a martial artist and film actor from Hong Kong.

SERIOUSLY BLUD!!!

Happy Chinese New Year!

Gung Hei Fat Choi!!! That means happy chinese new year, fatty. It's a great day for news!! Oh yes, lots of news to write about today. We'll start with the most important. Britney Spears bought a new ipod today to listen to in her cell. The ipod suits her well because maybe listening to music will inspire her, and also because the white ipod would match her straight jacket. Britney Spears is very fashion conscious - on that note, Kate Moss is expected to appear in court under charges of sexual assault and battery against a tree. She apparently battered and sexually assaulted the tree for six days straight before catwalking in front of her majesty the Queen. In other news, her majesty the Queen has found an unsettling lump beneath her breast.

As for showbiz news, third world countries are still poor and Iraq isn't close to how we picture it in our heads.

Thats all for this minute, check later for more MR NEWS NEWS!

Who is Keith Ledger?

So I keep hearing about this guy Keith Ledger or something. I don't know who he is but supposedly I must have seen him in such classic films as Gone With The Wind and Enter The Dragon. Well anyway apparently this guy died. So if any Mr. News fans out there know who this guy is, he died. Probably a few days ago now, or more. So this isn't really news. But anyway. Lets all have a one minute silence. Well I tried but I just have to keep typing. My girlfriend had her mini Ipod thing in her bag, or was it an Ipod nano, or something, either way there was Ipodage involved, and she also had a drink in her bag. Initially she told me it was orange juice. which then became, actually it was mango juice. Which then became, actually it was mango flavoured water. Well I guess the liquid is irrelevant, that was just a strange conversation we had, but anyway, the drink leaked in her bag, and her bag was soaked, but worst of all her new ipod got damaged. Why am I telling you this? Because talking about Ipods is hip, and nobody knows who Keith Ledger is. Except maybe the girls.

Latest Britney Spears Scandal

Britneys latest stunt was even worse than anything David Blaine could think up - she not only lived in a glass cage suspended over london, she did it while it was filled with freezing cold water. Still, at least she had the new Iphone to keep her company, although, the water ruined that. So really Britney had nothing. But we all agreed it was a really boring stunt. Anyway, everybody went and bought Busta Rhymes THE BIG BANG and went home for a jolly good sit down. With their Sony Cameras and stuff.

Welcome to Mr. News brings you the Man

Hi welcome to Mr. News brings you the Man, where we discuss celebrity gossip, the latest cool gadgets, mobile phones and tv soaps. Everything important is on this site - everything you need to know full stop will be on this site. Thanks for visiting.